Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Blog 54 j...Ain't No Magic...

Blog 54 j...Ain't No Magical Cure...

There is no magical cure for what ails me. Can anyone ever help me I wonder? I’m beginning to worry that perhaps my doctor is right and the pain is all in my mind or as the Pain Management Team would say ’the chemicals released at the time of the original injury do not get switched off...the brain has a memory of pain which gets stuck...' so technically my body is still feeling this pain [even though there was no original injury as such] So I take it that my brain is still getting a message from my back that there is a pain still there now even after the injection, the bed rest, the gentle activities and the extra strong painkillers but I will not be beaten. As recommended following the injection I have tried to become more mobile slowly and gently. Well pottering around the house has been fine so I decided that as the sun was shining a little walk was called for. Out in the fresh air, like everyone says, does do you good! So I set off with every good intention of walking myself back to good health. Before the injection any thought of a walk of any description filled me with worry. But surely now is the time to strike? I have a mild pain in the hip area and the sharp stabbing pain in my back has been dulled by pain killers and a little session with the TENS machine: so I’m good to go! Off I trotted after a few minutes to lock up; actually it takes me a while these days, I check all plugs are off, then make sure all doors are locked and all windows are shut and then I use the bathroom and then the whole process starts again and then finally I put the alarm on and stand outside struggling with the worry that I have left  the iron on even though I’ve not used it for weeks or that the oven is on...and everyone knows I’m not a cook so that’s not a possibility at this time of the day! Then I check the door handle once the alarm has set and walk gently down the drive…only to return to just check the door handle once more…God help me if anyone sees me and stops to talk…I have to check the handle again…and all this has only been a problem since being out of work and at home!

Off I went quite happily, listening to the birds, noticing the spring flowers in peoples’ gardens, smiling at passers by, getting into my stride. Walking slowly and with a slight limp that seems to have developed over the past few months, I pondered; should I walk along the pavement where the lorries go thundering by at such speed you lose your sense of balance and feel as though you are about to be blown away or should I go along the newly created cycle path that is landscaped and away from the traffic? Oh what the heck, it’s ages since I’ve been anywhere on my own and it is a lovely day and what could possibly go wrong…fool that I am I didn’t stop to think of the obstacles that would be in my way, no not actual walls or rocks but silly things like great big hairy, bouncy, barking, dogs with silly names [yes really…Max and Paddy !] and a tendency to go deaf once they see me so all calls by their owners:  “Max! Paddy! Heel! Stop!” are completely ignored by the dogs but obeyed by me. Standing still, frozen to the spot because of my innate fear of the 4 legged darlings I wait for their owners to come and rescue me. The comment; "Oh don’t worry they don’t bite they’re just excited!’’ never eases my fear and at this point I wish I had stayed at home. Struggling on and feeling stupid and nervous at the same time my determination wavered and with it my concentration; I stumbled, I grabbed the end of the bridge railing and thought about retreating but then suddenly slid down the soft embankment landing feet first in the few inches of water locally known as: 'The Brook.' Luckily I didn't fall over or surely any good that has been gained by having the injection will be thwarted and I’m unlikely to be greeted with smiles by my doctor whilst trying to explain why I fell into the brook in the first place.Despite the fact that I remained upright and did not land on any other part of my anatomy, I struggled. I stood still wondering how the hell was I going to get back up when along came another bouncy dog even bigger than the ones before and this one wanted me to retrieve something from the brook! No doubt his owner thought I was some kind of nutter standing in the brook without wellingtons on but who cares…I smiled and waved and shouted ‘ lovely morning’ and walked a little along the brook as if I was a six year out for a paddle.

Once I was sure no one could see me I crawled up the not too deep embankment in the same fashion as I have been known to climb up my stairs after a few too many wines! This is not good I thought, I sat on the muddy grass and I checked myself mentally: there was no new pain, no stabbing in the hip area; I could go a little further but no, I was wet up to my ankles and my knees were muddy so I waddled along back up to the pavement and made my way home: looking as if I had been on some form of army training manoeuvre! It took a while to get back home and by now the pain killers were wearing off and I needed to lie down. Oh home, oh sanctuary. A quick change and hot chocolate and I would soon be feeling better. So I decided to enjoy the peace and quiet which was lovely until the silence was broken by the telephone. 

It was ‘Bridezilla’ wanting to know about recycling boxes. You see ‘Bridezilla’ and her ‘Young man’ have just taken possession of the keys to their first home. Both have spent long hours working in their new home: stripping wall paper, ripping up old carpets, pulling out cupboards, cutting trees down, sanding paintwork…you name it they’ve been doing it so that they can move into a newly painted, newly furnished house as soon as possible. Today is her day off from work and, as has become the norm for her now, she is working on her house.  I think that now it is beginning to dawn on her that she will have more things to do with her time on her days off other than dying her hair, manicuring her nails, re-organising her shoes and choosing what to wear. It began to dawn on me that in all the 7 years of living with us she has never recycled a thing! I have emptied her bedroom waste basket, I have collected her papers, plastic bottles and cardboard boxes and put them in the correct recycling boxes. Now I found myself explaining that each box has a different use and if she puts the wrong things together in the wrong box she’ll have to pay the council a fine; she’s heard all this before but NOW it is beginning to make sense! 

The second phone call is this:
“Will you have a look in the shed to see if there is any white emulsion paint…”
“You know full well there is…”
“Can I borrow it?”
“Of course…”
 “Can I also borrow the step ladders?”
“Yes of course…”
 “Do you have any spare toilet paper I could take… can I use those old towels…where did you put those old blue mugs you don’t use anymore?  Is it alright if I nip home and make us a butty?...”

Ah the joys of having a ‘Bridezilla’: she lifts the day’s mood and stops me from worrying about big dogs, falling over and being in pain…I’ll pop the kettle on then…

Blog 54 k coming soon...Next Wednesday...
Copyright ©GML2012


  1. I really enjoyed reading your latest blog. There's nothing worse than a bouncy dog to spoil an enjoyable walk and it's even worse when the owner thinks that what they do to you is cute. Hula hoop instead!
    'Borrowing' toilet roll never stops. My 2 left home years ago and still 'borrow' a few toilet rolls to take back with them after a visit. They also borrow beans, tea bags, bin liners, bread…………..!

  2. Thank you. I'll have to dig out the old hoops then! As for I need some padlocks on the cupboards...? x

  3. Another excellent piece. Very funny. About time you had your own column.

  4. What a compliment, thank you x