Blog 54 o… “May the Force…”

The ‘Hubby’ is very laid back when it comes to some things; like for example a broken fence doesn’t need repairing straight away it’s not bothering anyone, a leaking tap needs to drip,drip for at least two years before it’s an emergency despite the water meter, a broken cupboard door can be propped up with a stick, a draughty window can be sealed temporarily [4 years so far…]with masking tape and a missing cupboard handle doesn’t pose a problem as you can pull the cupboard door open with your toes…I could go on but I think you get the picture. The boys have inherited this gene also from their father…a P.E. kit only needs packing 5 minutes before setting off for school, a trip permission slip only needs to be signed when detention for not returning it is looming and the toys on the floor only need putting away when you can no longer see the floor.

The 3 men in my life have no sense of urgency in their life and least of all when it comes to me…

They have long stopped running to my assistance when they hear a scream, a thud, bang or crash. They are used to me falling down the stairs, slipping off a ladder and hanging onto the light fitting [seriously it did happen I was trying to change a bulb and as I lent forwards the ladder went in another direction leaving me perched precariously on the top step as the ladder fell against the wall…my only option was to hold onto the light fitting despite the flecks of plaster falling…shouting for help…]They no longer respond to cries of; “Quick get a glass it’s a massive spider,” or “Help me there’s a wasp in the shower curtain,” [that was intended for the ‘Hubby’ not the children…I did maintain some dignity !]

The three of them do not even flinch when I ask for help whilst doing the ant dance…hopping on one foot to stamp them out; unsuccessfully! There is no rush to free me from the tangle that was once the clean washing as it trips me and traps me and sends me flying into the bushes.

They know eventually I will sort myself out.

So it came as no surprise when one sunny evening I needed their help…don’t get me wrong they heard me they just thought ‘mother has found another spider’ and they would help me during the adverts on the T.V…

I had been sitting in the conservatory trying to read for as long as I could without getting up to put the light on…it’s a problem these days as it takes so long to get comfortable that once I am, I am reluctant to move for a while! It had been a gloriously hot day and all the windows were thrown wide open to let what little breath of air there was to circulate through the house. It became too dark to read and the rest of the house was in darkness except for the light from the movie the 3 ‘males’ were watching in the family room. I decided to go upstairs and get ready for bed. As I approached the second landing I had a sense of being watched; that I was not alone. I froze at the thought that there was someone standing on the top landing in the dark…everyone else was downstairs, I knew I was being stupid…then in the darkness I saw 2 bright eyes staring at me almost face to face. A sudden movement, my scream and the eyes disappeared.

Yes I did scream and no there was no immediate response to my distress call…like all heroines in a scary movie I followed the moving shadow into the dark room without putting the lights on…and there I was confronted by the biggest, blackest, angry cat you had ever seen. It just hissed and bared its teeth ignoring me as I hissed back and bared my teeth!

“Get out!” I screamed at it…not sure if it understood those words at all…but it had got in so it must be able to leave the same way.

The windows in ‘Cutie-pie’s’ bedroom were wide open and the cat must have jumped onto the garage roof and climbed up and hey presto he was in! He just sat there curled up on the window sill daring me to come forward…daring me to defend my ‘Cutie-pie’s’ bedroom from this intrusion.

I screeched, I hissed, I almost barked at it but it was challenging me…right matey you’re on…I looked around the room…what the hell was I looking for? Something to wave at it and help it safely through the window and on its way. Grappling around in the dark my hand landed on the ‘Cutie-pie’s’ light-sabre. As I grabbed it and flicked it towards the cat the light sabre pinged into action…it made a swooshing, vibrating noise and then it lit up.

The fat cat sat up on its hunches and spat at me. He was no match for my 'Luke Sky Walker' moves as I swayed from side to side menacingly…hang on he was…he was 'Darth Vader' re-incarnate…I swooshed the light-sabre from a safe distance and he pounced onto the bed waving his front paws as if to grab the light from me. Vroom Vroom the light-sabre swished in the air and the light changed from red to green.

The fat cat sat on the bed and stared, his eyes glowing in the dark.

Calmly he jumped back onto the window sill…I lunged forward to threaten him…

“Get out!” I bellowed.

With a swish of his tail and a flick of his paw he jumped onto the garage roof and his head popped back up through the window…he watched as I did a little dance swaying the light-sabre from side to side and shouted the theme tune to ‘Star Wars’ as I jumped forward to shut the window with a parting shot of “Friggin cat…take that!” and with another zoom zoom I grabbed the handle only to see two startled neighbours out on a peaceful summer’s night stroll looking up at me…er no not at me; but beckoning “Blackie” to be careful…to get away from that woman… to come down off the roof before he falls...

I stood in the darkness, I clicked the light-sabre shut and turned victorious to see three heads and 3 pairs of eyes glistening in the dark…

“Good God what has been going on?...” asked the 'Hubby'.

“You see dad I said it wasn’t a spider…” replied the 'Intelligent-one'.

“Hey dad…’The Force is strong with this one’…”

Thank you ‘Cutie-pie’, the best compliment a son can pay his mother…

Footnote…no animals were harmed during this episode.

Blog 54 p… coming soon…next Wednesday

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